So it has almost been 27 weeks since Chelsea has been
pregnant and been 23 weeks since she found out. It’s been a curious journey of
ups-and-downs, sideways, and elation. When she first told me I knew it was true,
but there was a strange disconnection. We had tried for so many months previous
that the fact that it actually happened was difficult to wrap my head around.
Chelsea wasn’t showing…it could almost be as if the baby wasn’t there.
The turning point, though, was the heartbeat. I had been to
the previous prenatal appointment, I smiled and listened attentively taking on
the mantra, “You’re just having a baby. You’re just having a baby.” What baby? But
it was that second appointment that threw my world for a loop. The midwife took
the Doppler and searched around Chelsea’s abdomen, there was the strong whoosh, whoosh of Chelsea’s heart and then, finally, the swiftly beating heart of
another being. They beat in counter syncopation: Chelsea’s steady and strong whoosh, whoosh while Bibb’s heart beat
in a rapid whish, whish, whish, whish.
For every beat of Chelsea’s heart the baby’s beat twice. It was stunning. My
jaw dropped, my heart exploded with pure joy: there’s someone in there! Then, of
course, all my insecurities and inadequacies came to the forefront of my mind,
but they were beat back with words of encouragement from Chels. Moreover, the
utterance of the mantra “You’re just having a baby. You’re just having a baby…”
took on new meaning. I mean, we are having a baby!
We kept it secret for two more weeks, and then came out to
our friends. (Who, most, of course, knew it was happening already. We are not the
most furtive of people!).
This is where Chelsea’s story diverges from mine. Bibbs
continued to grow and after a few weeks Chelsea began to feel Bibbs moving
around. She’d break out in short outburst of “Whoo! Whoa, baby!” and I would
curiously look at her and ask “Is everything alright?” She would respond, “Yes,
Baby is just moving around a bit.” At this statement I would eagerly place my hand
on her stomach and, in vain, feel for the baby, but to no avail. For Chelsea
the baby has been real for a long time. She came to that understanding much
quicker than me. She began to feel the baby move on a daily basis and it just kept
getting bigger and bigger. For me, though I knew the baby was there, the
physical contact was lacking. I could not feel Bibbs as Chelsea felt Bibbs. All
I had was the existential awareness that Chelsea was growing before my eyes and
every week looking more and more pregnant.
Another turning point: feeling the baby move. As Bibbs continued
to grow, I would constantly attempt to feel for Bibbs. One particular night, we were lying on our
couch, doing our routine of watching a few of our shows before we went to bed
when Chelsea said, “Bibbs is active tonight, come feel right here.” She guided
my hand to spot right above the waistline of her standard yoga pants. I felt. I
concentrated. “Is that it?” I felt a small pulse. “No,” she replied, “I think
that’s my heart.” But I was patient and kept my hand there. Something very
light pressed against my hand. A tingle journeyed from my palm and exploded throughout
my body. Euphoria. I couldn’t help but
smile. It was such outlandish feeling, this pressure from Chelsea’s belly to my
palm, but it gave me such a euphoric sensation. That’s my baby!
I wasn’t able to feel Bibbs as much as Chelsea could after
this point, but as the weeks progressed I felt Bibbs more and more. I was
constantly reading to Bibbs and Chelsea before we went to sleep, and lying next
to her, I had one hand on my Ipad (where the book was) and one hand on her
belly. As I began to read aloud, Bibbs would move and I would feel the kicks or
punches or whatever part of the baby was pressing against her at that instance.
Also, I would come home from work and as I was telling my tale, the baby would
be active as if welcoming me home or as if baby was excited to hear my voice.
At this moment in time the baby can hear both of us talk. It’s a profound
realization.
I can feel Bibbs every day now. I can place my hand on
Chelsea’s belly and feel the outline of certain parts of Bibbs (what part? I
have no idea!). In the morning, as I am about to get out of bed and ready for work,
I can place my hand over Chelsea’s stomach, and while she is asleep, feel the
baby move, as if Bibbs is saying good morning just to me. Every time I experience
even an inkling of that movement it reminds me of the amazingness that is to
come. It not only fills me with this sense
of bliss but it also fills me with the awareness of our responsibility.
And even though there is still a physical barrier between
us, the emotional bonds have already been formed and solidified. I can’t wait
to meet this little person some 12 or 13 weeks hence!
What baby? Bibbs, of course!
Beautifully written :-)
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