Relationship Maintenance (it is not always easy)

Stress is to be expected at this point in our lives. We were warned that the first year of law school is a crazy stressful experience and it is turning out to be true. For Tim, starting as a new teacher in a demanding and challenging new school is full of stresses as well. We expected this. What we weren’t prepared for was how stress would affect our relationship. Frankly these last few months have been some of the hardest months in our marriage and we are approaching the four year anniversary.

People say that if you can survive the Peace Corps as a couple you can survive anything. I believe this is true. We supported each other throughout that crazy experience and I know we will get through this too. It is just so different. In Guyana at least we had down time to be with each other, decompress from the stress of being a stranger in a strange land. Now, we are both so busy, anxious, uptight, tired and just plain stressed most of the time that we get snippy with each other, start fights for no reasons and lose our tempers (or bottle up our emotions) in ways we never have before.

Recently we have been talking about ways to make things better. I am proud of us for communicating and being willing to work for our relationship and this is ultimately what I think will get us through these, and all the hard times in life to come. We know we need to take more time for each other, even if we have to schedule it in and stick to it like we do our other responsibilities.  Our plan of stressful school relationship survival thus far has 5 steps: 

1.     Regular date nights out of the house (not necessarily spending money, but at least always getting out of the house), no canceling for school or work allowed.

2.     Making the most of the down time we have by decompressing by talking, listening and snuggling with each other, not just vegging out in front of the T.V.

3.     Patience and understanding. Openly communicating and informing each other of how we are feeling (tired, stressed, overwhelmed, hungry etc.) so we understand where negativity is coming from and not take it personally.

4.     Oma’s tip: taking turns talking (the talking stick). When in conflict, bust out the talking stick and take turns giving each other 15 minutes to express everything without being interrupted or questioned.

5.     Take care of ourselves. Make time for the things that keep up healthy and happy: continue to strive to eat healthy, work out regularly and take alone time for meditation.

The plan goes into effect when Tim gets back from So. Cal. (where he is visiting family and friends right now) next week. I think it will be a good time to start the plan because Tim will be on vacation until mid-October and then we will have the habits fully in place when he goes back to work.

As I constantly remind myself, successful relationships take constant work. We are more than willing to put in the work. After almost 4 years of marriage (and 7 years of living together) we are still madly in love with each other. We still consider the other to be our best friend, teammate, confidante and deepest love. That is the stuff that comes easy but it is also that stuff that is worth working for.

Anatomy

Anatomy of a day in the life of a 1L

Monday:
5:45: wake up, work out, eat breakfast, make lunch, get ready for school
8:00: get settled into favorite sunny spot in the library with Brazilian jazz on ipod and coffee in hand. Read and brief, read some more.
10:15: Civil Procedure class. Despite having an outline of the case and having done the reading, get terrified, baffled and confused by rules of personal, in rem and quasi in rem jurisdiction. Watch Civ Pro professor pensively puff on a stick of chalk like it is a flash back to the days he could actually smoke while lecturing
12:00: microwave lunch and eat in the gazebo with friends, talk about assignments, commiserate over how much reading we have to do, pull out laptop and finish assignment for class later, head to library to print assignment, fight with printer and hole puncher.
1:30: Contracts class. Discuss really sad cases where little old men commit suicide and their heirs have to litigate to get the estate because, greedy, grasping cousins want to dispute whether the will was an enforceable contract (or as your professor likes to ask was a puppy, aka contract, born?). Despite being prepared, still leave confused as to when to apply the common law or the Uniform Commercial Code.
3:00: Global Lawyering Skills class.  Eat a sugary snack to stay awake at the end of a long day. As useful as it is, legal writing and research class tends to drag. Get the memo you worked on all last week back only to realize you missed a crucial argument in a dissenting opinion and now the position you argued has no legs to stand on.
4:00: attend an optional volunteer training (you’ve got free time, right? not like you have 6 hours of homework still ahead of you…) because you want to actually be able to get hands on experience working in the field you are passionate about. Isn’t that why you came to law school anyway?
6:00: Head into the library with two bags full of books and binders. Wish for the millionth time you had one of those nerdy, but practical, rolling briefcases so you didn’t feel like Atlas every time you lift your bags. Find your favorite table in a corner where no one can find you to distract you. Commence 2 hours of studying to the upbeat sounds of 80s pop music medley playlist.
8:00: Homeward bound. Make dinner with your partner (thank goodness for trader joe’s online easy to make recipes because you are tired and still have work to do tonight, at least you can manage to whip up a chicken tortilla soup from a box).  Touch base with husband. Listen to him describe his day. Be thankful you are not a 10th grade English teacher! Eat. Pour a glass of wine. Read cases for Property class tomorrow.
11:00: Snuggle up on the couch with hubby to watch an episode of West Wing. Predictably, fall asleep on the couch and wake up when the show is over. Brush teeth. Bed.

Repeat, daily.

Anatomy of a day in the life of a 1st year teacher

Monday
4:45 Wake up. Go running. Get back at 5:45. Put pot of coffee on to brew. Get ready, check emails, drink cup of coffee, finish grading assignments for the day. Drink coffee.
7:00 Head to school. Tidy classroom, make copies of worksheets for today’s lesson. Set up whiteboard and projector. Organize desk and think, what am doing today? Do I have enough time? What’s going to happen today?
8:00 First period starts. ELD kids. A small class, mostly hispanic. Talk about grammar and writing. Read some Gary Soto. Do some vocabulary. Have them write me a letter. Sometimes have random conversations about soccer and life.
9:15 Bell rings, kids leave. I wait by the door for second period. Greet every student by name and shake their hand. Make sure shirts are tucked in and handbooks out. Student: “Mr. Tibbs. Mr. Tibbs you’re my favorite teacher...” Me: “What do you want?” Student: “I left my work at home...” Continue to make small talk every once and while, come in minute before bell rings. Speak rather loudly for kids to sit down, get books out and start work.  Struggle for silence. Supervise. Class goes on lessons happen. I stop. Wait for quiet. Stop. Wait for quiet. Stop... Do I get angry now? Should I get my coach voice out? Stop. Give lesson. Collect work.
10:35
Bell rings. I am exhausted. Oh great another whole period. See 9:15: repeat. Oh wait. Something is different. Is that kid going to punch the other kid? (not always...but it does happen). Intervene. Send kid out. Give referral.  Take breath. Go on with class. Talk. wait for quiet. Talk. Wait for quiet. Is it lunch time yet?
11:55
Bell ring. I breath. Lunch time. What do I have to do? Correct papers, make more copies. Oh no, the principal is coming to watch me next period. I better tighten up. Eat lunch while double checking the lesson
12:25 4th period Prep. Breathe sigh of relief take a minute. I have a meeting. Go to meeting give two cents. plan, correct more papers, make sure roll is correct. It’s coffee Monday! Go with colleague to coffee roaster buy a pound of fresh beans. I feel better already. 
1:45 Bell rings. Next period. Repeat 9:15. Greet. Talk. speak loudly for quiet. Teach. Wait. principal comes in. Make sure assigned student greets him appropriately. Did I go over  the objective? Were the students engaged? Do I look good? I hope it all works out.   Teach. Wait. Try to get students to care and be engaged. 
3:05 Bell rings. One more period to go, but its Advisory. A bunch of seniors come in, talk about college stuff. Get them choosing right schools, writing personal statements. Have them do homework. Maybe read silently. Uh oh, is an assistant principal coming in. Hello, sir. We’re just getting things together. Assistant Principal leaves.
4:00 Bell rings, school is finally out. Start extra work on after school academy. Work with attending students to get their grades up. Have students do re-takes on tests or classwork. Show them grade. See what they have to do. Supervise. Teach one-on-one.
5:00: Enrichment it should be coaching fencing, but I need to wait for approval, at least on Tuesday I teach Drama.
6:00. Last kid leaves academy. Time to do prep work for the next day plan, make copies, send e-mails. What do I have to do? Will it be engaging? Is it Friday yet?
7:30-8:00 pm. Its been at least 12 hours on campus. I should go home since I am paid for 8 of them. But the kids? Take work home with me. Do other teachers work this hard...?
8:00 Make dinner with Chels. Chat a little bit. Learn all about Law School tossing questions every now and then about cases that were previously talked about.  Wonder if Law School might actually be preferable than teaching 10th graders English. Take one glance on the case book on table. Be happy with your decision to teach.  Enjoy glass of wine. If necessary do more work such as correcting, and planning.
10:30-11:00 Sit on couch. Snuggle with loved one. Watch some TV. Look lovingly at partner sleeping on lap and know everything is going to be okay. Bed.

Repeat. Daily with slight variations.  

Getting out of the Classroom

For the majority of August, Tim and I spent our days in out classrooms and libraries reading, writing, planning, grading and briefing. Sounds like a sun way to end the summer, right?

It really was not as bad as it sounds. We are working hard but we are happy in the work. There is something satisfying about heading into class feeling well prepared and confident. Unfortunately, we have been noticing that no matter how prepared we feel when we head into our respective classrooms, we get our butts kicked and our egos chopped down to size. The fact is being a first year law student and a first year teacher in an inner-city school is humbling. Tim, despite hours of lesson planning and classroom management strategy development, had two fights break out in his classroom last week and a student stole from his teacher aid and was suspended. I have sat in class and discussed cases that I spent hours reading and briefing and thought I was prepared for, only to sit though class thinking my praying I would not get called on because the questions my professor was asking sounded like they were related to some foreign case I had never read in Swahili. Of course I am exaggerating a little, but only a little. Frankly, we are struggling with being inexperienced. I know that we will get better in time. Teaching 10^th grade English will get easier for Tim. I will get better at being a law student. Maybe soon. Maybe not until next year. We remind each other of the light at the end of the tunnel and just keep plodding away.

Just as Tim and I were feeling like we were reaching our limits, we received a valuable reminder of our strength and potential from an unlikely source. I think its funny how sometimes life hands you exactly what you need when you are feeling down. On Thursday morning I checked my calendar to see what I had on my overly-full plate that day and was mortified to remember that I had committed Tim and I to speak to a group of potential Peace Corps Volunteers at a recruiting event. I had almost forgotten about it and was feeling grumpy that I wouldn’t get time that night to study and prep for the next day of school. However, sitting in front of a room full of starry-eyed, soon-to-be volunteers and reflecting on the challenges and rewards of my Peace Corps experience was so empowering. I think that Tim and I benefited more from sharing our stories than the group did. We left the event reminding ourselves that when we started our journey as PCVs we were just as inexperienced at that job as we are now in our new lives. Yet, in Peace Corps we gained confidence when we bounced back from challenges. We learned coping strategies for dealing with stress. We learned technical skills. And somehow, along the way we had gotten ourselves so busy that we forgot about all these tools. Thursday night was such an amazing reminder of the tools that we carry with us, honed in our Peace Corps service, which will continue to serve us in school today, if we can only remember to use them! I am so grateful for the reminder! 

Also, in the meantime, we have tried to take some breaks and get outside the classroom for our mental and emotional health. Last weekend we had friends and family come to Sacramento to celebrate my birthday (27!) and warm our new house with good cheer. Some friends from college decided to make a weekend out of it. After a fun-filled day of playing lawn games, eating good food and catching up with old friends and new, we packed our guest room and living room wall-to-wall with air mattresses! It was so refreshing to have our friends in our home. Taking a break from working so hard was revitalizing and made me feel more human (and less like a law library troll). I went into last week with great positivity and energy.

I’ve also decided to get a little more active on my school campus and take my legal education outside of the classroom. I’ve gone to first meetings of two student groups which seem very active on campus: the Women’s Caucus and Public Legal Services Society. Getting involved with these groups will be a great way to network, meet upperclassmen and alumni, volunteer and perform some valuable community service and also potentially qualify for some summer grants or internships. I am looking forward to the possibilities that may arise from my participation in these two groups. 

Also, I have been in contact with a professor who is organizing and very exciting event at my school this year which I am very, very thrilled to be a part of. We will be organizing a campaign to help the immigrant community of Sacramento with cases of Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals. Deferred Action is a new policy developed by the Department of Homeland Security designed to allow certain people who did not intentionally violate immigration law (namely children who were brought to the U.S. before the age of 16) to continue to live and work in the United States. This was Obama’s consolation prize for the DREAMers who have been working tirelessly to advocate for the rights of young immigrants and students who are living in the shadow of fear of deportation. It is a first step in providing relief to a marginalized group of promising young people. I am so very excited to be part of the campaign at my school to provide the legal guidance to qualified individuals. At the end of September, we will be conducting Know you Rights events, doing client intake and working with an army of volunteer attorneys to prepare the DACA documentation for young people around the Sacramento area. I will post more info about the specifics when I know more but for now I am just happy to be getting out of the classroom and already applying my legal education in a hands-on, practical and very relevant cause.

Tim and Groth take a break from playing Kan Jam to try on my Bday tiaras

Thanks for the Bday tiaras and love Momma!

Heather B ad I rock Spirithoods and tiaras

An afternoon hike along the American River. It was so hot, we wished we were floating like the folks in the rafts

I didn't want to waste a beautiful summer day so I decided to take my studying outside to my backyard! Good decision!