Feelings at Month 18 of 26

Last night Tim and I sat in front of our computer and watched an episode of Iron Chef America that a fellow PCV had given us. I am a bit embarased to say that this silly show almost made me cry and inspired me to write a blog post about how we are feeling right now. The two chefs on the show were both cooking mexican food, my favorite kind of food in the whole world. I miss Mexican food so much and I miss being able to cook with all the ingredients that aren't readily available here (cilantro, tortillas, black beans, jalapeño etc). Drooling over all the delicious food on the show prompted Tim and I to talk about home. We kept reminding ourselves that all the Mexican food in California awaits us in about 8 months when we are finished with our service.

Our Guyanese-Mexican Food just doesn't cut it. Guy-enchiladas help, but aren't the same.

That got me thinking. Wow! I am so proud that we are a year and a half into this journey. Life has settled down to a nice routine and the PC adjustment cycle has stopped kicking the crap out of our emotions. But I also couldn't help thinking, sheesh, 8 months to go, that is a looong time. I guess it is all relative. We celebrate every monthly milestone in Guyana, congratulating ourselves on surviving another month and counting down the months until we are back in California. And recently, it seems like the months are just flying by. I can't really believe it is August already.

As we look ahead to what Sara called, “the beginning of the end” we are excited, eager, terrified, and reluctant to leave this life behind. I feel excited about the prospect of starting school again, supporting Tim as he gets a new teaching job, and moving into a new house in a new city. I am eager to return to California where I can eat all the Mexican food I want, shop at farmer's markets and Trader Joe's, drive my own car, and blend into a crowd. But I am also terrified when I think of losing the financial security PC provides. Sure, we don't get payed more than $200/month here, but that meager amount is always enough to pay all our bills, cover the cost of food, transportation and all our other needs. We don't have to worry about health insurance, we simply see Nurse Jean when we are sick and she takes care of us. Sure, we have other challenges here, but worrying about money/bills/insurance/savings/etc. isn't one of them. I'm scared to have to enter back into a world where those concerns are big players in my life. There are also many times I feel reluctant to leave Guyana. I like the pace of life here. I like the fact that I have so much time to read. I like my health center, coworkers, mother and babies. I like working on the TV show. I like knowing the people I see on the streets everyday and stopping to gaff with them. I like the music and fresh tropical fruits.

Having fun working on Health Watch TV show.

The kids at my health center make it so much fun to go to work!

They say the grass is always greener and I think this is true. Even when I have a fresh pineapple or mango that I got for pennies right in front of me, I sigh and wish for peaches, strawberries, cherries and grapes. I am sure when we are home we will wish we had a mango, ginip or pine available year round. So, all in all, I guess the “start to the end” is a weird place to be. We feel like the days are going too fast, and not fast enough. One day we feel like we have too many goals to accomplish here and not enough time left and the next day we feel like we are so bored that we could wrap up everything in a week and head out. We crave familiar foods but aren't ready to give up our favorite Guyanese snacks.

Then, on top of the weird, conflicting emotions about our impending close of service (COS), we are planning and getting excited for the trips and visitors and projects in the future. The things we look forward to that take our minds off the teeter-totter of emotions:

• Barbados/Portland Trip: 3 nights in Barbados for my birthday, on the way to Oregon for D+L's wedding. In Portland for 11 nights. August 24-September 7.

• Amerindian Heritage celebration in St. Cuthbert's at the end of September.

• Workshop in Region 9 (Guyanese savannah!) in early October.

• Mom and Stephan to visit over Thanksgiving, visit Kaiteur Falls, November 16th-25.

• COS Conference December than Christmas.

• New Year's celebration with PCVs in Bartica.

• Travel around South America after PC (Peru, Chile, Bolivia, Argentina)!

I am also getting a tad freaked out about law school applications. Law school application season, as I am calling it, opens on September 1^st. Then I, along with all the other eager law school “hunters”, will be stocking up on ammo and going to catch us some acceptances and hopefully scholarship money.

So, when I think about where we stand emotionally it summarizes like this:

• Excited to go home.

• Eager for familiarities and luxuries in the States.

• Terrified about financial prospects.

• Reluctant to give up the security, familiarity and slower pace of life in Guyana.

• Excited about so many fun trips still to come in the next 8 months.

• Freaked out about law school applications.

Excited, eager, terrified, reluctant, excited, freaked out. Yeah, that about sums it up. Happy Sunday all!